A Boundary-full heart

I jumped out of my car and made a beeline for the entrance. My mobile order was ready so I figured I could grab it and be back at my car in about 60 seconds.

All of a sudden, she appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. “Excuse me,” she said. “Would you be open to buying me a salad or a yogurt?” She started to explain the dietary reasons of why she was restricted to those two items when I interrupted. “Sure,” I said. “But first tell me a little bit about you.”

I’m usually the person who says, “Sorry, not today.” I plan my days down to the minute. I don’t like to show up early to the airport because I don’t like to waste time waiting (which, by the way, is not a great idea, lol). All of us have busy days and full agendas and I’m someone who is not great at hitting “pause.”

I found out she had a dozen kids but from two different guys. (I was shocked, she looked so young.) All 12 had been taken from her, some right out of her arms after she gave birth. The dads were emotionally and physically abusive. Dysfunction ran in her family. The story continued as I did my best to listen with intention and empathy. “Let’s move inside,” I said after several minutes in the hot sun. “And I’ll get that salad ordered for you.”

While we were walking, she asked if we could exchange info. “I’m looking for a mentor,” she explained. “I really want to learn and grow.” I had compassion for her, I really did. But I just knew that I couldn’t be that person.

“I’m happy to help you out right now with a practical need,” I said. “But I’m going to be really honest, I think you need professional help.” She interrupted and let me know that she had been to several counselors, lied to get into a program that had free mentorship and gave out free computers, and the list went on and on…

She probably talked for another five minutes.

“Listen,” I interrupted. “There are some great meetings that you can attend and I have a book title that I want you to write down.” (She went and got a piece of paper.) “But I am not the person you are looking for. I’m a single mom with a busy work schedule and I just don’t have the bandwidth.”

She was quiet, only for a moment, but I could tell that she was digesting the words. She carefully tore the piece of paper in half and started writing. She asked if she could give me her name and number as she slid the paper over to my hand.

I looked at her and waited until our eyes met. “I want you to get help,” I said. “I want you to start practicing integrity. I want you to be honest when given the chance, I want you to make decisions that may be hard but lead you down a path of truth and virtue. I want you to figure out how to get a job. I want to see you grow in confidence and get healing for your past. I want ALL of these things for you but I am not the one to bring them into your life. I can’t. I won’t. Because I do not want to be another one of your disappointments.”

I’ve been praying for this kind of compassion and boldness, mixed with appropriate boundaries. I am triggered by people who take too much because it causes residual anxiety from earlier years. So I have asked God to give me the right kind of empathy when I ask Him the question, “What can I give out of love?”

I was happy to help a fellow human with a need that I could afford and was glad to give. But the thought of adding someone new (and needy) as a contact in my phone made me uneasy. I’ll be honest, if I have a few extra minutes to make a phone call or an hour or two to go on a walk, it’s going to be with someone in my tribe. I don’t get to do those things very often and they are sacred to me. And yet, I want to balance this with my part in the Great Commission…I want to open my heart appropriately to the people God brings into my life. Because I know if we are all obedient and responsive when God calls on us, we will see miracles in our lives and in the lives of those with whom we interact. Needs are mutually met when we respond with a healthy “yes.”

I opened the app and ordered her food, then asked if we could pray together.

“I have to go,” I said after we ended with synchronized Amens. “It was such a pleasure to meet you and to talk with you. I’m excited about your future.”

We gave each other a big hug (the kind that lingers) as we parted. I walked away with a full heart and a sense of peace. I’ve spent a lot of years giving out more than I have in reserves and in the past, it has left me feeling empty and depleted. This was a different feeling.

As I drove away I reflected on our interaction. This new acquaintance and I had an authentic discussion with healthy give-and-take. I was able to speak up when the conversation became one-sided, able to speak my truth when I was asked to give more than I had to offer, and able to stop speaking when it was time to go. It was refreshing to walk away from a conversation where both parties felt heard and seen—where love and empathy were exchanged in a healthy and mutually-honoring way.

If you know someone who could benefit from this post, please share. God carved out a path of intense healing for me and I would like to share it with as many people who need or want to hear.